She used to be a pearl
Yesterday I found myself standing in the shower, motionless, lost in thought just letting the water pour over my body. ‘Is it me?’, ‘Am I crazy’, was I the one in the wrong to cause this ‘Again?’
I don’t see myself as a bad person. I have annoying traits I am aware, don’t we all? I can overreact, be a little whacky, I am a people pleaser which dosn’t always go to plan. I try my hardest to keep everyone else happy and forget I matter too which I understand can be a problem, but a horrible person? That’s not me. I’m not a confrontational person, I never have been. I try to see the good in all, trust until proven otherwise, give the benefit of the doubt, accept others and understand we all are different and you should never judge especially when you don’t know someone’s circumstance.
Recently I have been spending a lot of time with someone. In this time I’ve been told I am crazy, not right in the head, lazy, thick. I have been sworn at, patronised and spoken too like I am an alien from another planet. In my eyes I do everything to what I believe is right, I never go out of my way to intentionally hurt anyone or upset another person. I believe life is here to enjoy and now even I’m starting to doubt myself.
I have never been one for an argument. Growing up we were taught if you do not have anything nice to say, don’t say it. In my family we learnt to say our bit deal with it and be done. Me and him? We can’t seem to do that.
This is hard for me to explain, he does a lot for me and my family, and I mean a lot, that no one has ever done for me before! He works everything around me, he knows he his not perfect and he knows he can be mean, I understand everyone makes mistakes. But I’m not happy?
This is what makes me question myself. ‘Am I being ungrateful?’ Something which I never have been. My confidence is disappearing aswell as my trust in others. I am the type of person to have time for anyone In the world, this isn’t right.
I feel like I am walking on egg shells most of the time, waiting for the next thing I have done or ‘not done’ as the case may be. I have never argued with someone so much in my life! I understand what a lot of people must think and I genuinley would tell someone the same thing if I was listening. If I am not happy, why am I with him? I feel as though he does so much for me that maybe I over react and maybe I am going mad. ‘Am I not a nice person anymore?’
He says all he wants is the best for me and that is why I aggravate him so much and why he gets angry and calls me names. I don’t have any problem with people’s opinions and I listen and try my best to explain why I have chose to do something when he thinks I’m wrong, but I am getting fed up of having to explain minute by minute what I’m doing and why. I don’t question his actions 24/7. Surely if I want to do something the way I want, I am entitled too without constant negativity?
It’s my life too!
Being called dumb, lazy and not right in the head hits me hard. I have struggled with post natal depression after giving birth and I know what it feels like to feel so low you can’t begin to imagine enjoying anything again. I overcame this and hearing this makes me feel like I am crazy. I need positivity around me not a pessimist. I do the best I can to work, look after my daughter as a single mum and make sure I run a happy home. I feel I have done nothing but try my best to make him feel welcome and ensure when his had a hard day we are there waiting with a smile a kiss and dinner. Sometimes, yes, I admit I am knackered after working a late night and then up the next day to look after my baby. Sometimes things do slip like washing clothes for a day or theres still washing up to be done at the end of the day. But not for long. When he says I am lazy for little things I feel it and I put so much pressure on myself I get so stressed and upset. Maybe I should be able to do it all better.
I can understand why some people are negative about things, his quite the opposite to me in the sense he dosn’t trust until people prove themselves which I can understand, but I don’t enjoy being told I’m naive for thinking the way I do. I feel belittled and I am upset by constant digs against things I’ve done or have done previous that I have trusted him to tell for it to be used against me.
At this point I do feel that maybe it is me? ‘Have I really turned into a nasty person?’ I’m starting to believe him when he tells me I’m not right, maybe he is only trying to help me? So many questions. All I can think at the moment is who I am isn’t right, I am not the person I was or the person I hoped to become. I need to change something, but is that me? Or him?
I hope I’m not bringing you all down with me too much, I feel a relief writing this and since starting my page the last few days I have felt wonders already just knowing I can let it out. I’m not always going to be happy, I have taken this as a new vice to help others and share and relate what I feel and go through. I’m on a journey to find happiness as I once had it before. I’m not miserable. I feel lost. Another random soul in the world with no purpose for the mean time perhaps?
girlaccessable, signing off