Unmotherly mother

A little while ago, before I welcomed my bundle of joy into my life, (a more peaceful life), I always said to myself I will never be like that mother!

That mother who shouted at her kids in public. ‘That poor innocent child’.

The mother who was very impatient with there little ones inquisitive questions. ‘How Lazy’. Those poor innocent children just being curious and those mothers were too lazy to attempt to explain.

The mothers who never seemed to have the time for there little ones when they were begging ‘mum’ ‘mum’ ‘mum’.

Sitting on the bus I used to judge the women snapping with very little patience or telling their child to be quiet!

All I can say, to all those mums who I have judged before is, I am truly sorry!

Sorry for not understanding what you have gone through. Sorry for not understanding what you have had to put up with all day long i.e chasing your child round the house just to get them to put their clothes on. Insisting they sit down and put their shoes on. There whinging over you leaving the room and the constant bribes in which they demand just so they do as you please!

I understand that there is not much you can do on the bus rides when your child is kicking up such a fuss! It’s embarrising and you snap so as not to think you are approving their anti social behaviour.

I understand why you are snapping in the supermarket, even though your child might not of commited the biggest crime by running off to the next aisle, I have not seen their previous actions or constant whining, and you are fully entitled to lose your patience! I lose my patience. Every. Single. Day.

I never before knew or understood the full on feeling of constant questions and demands,

‘I want a biscuit’

‘dont want too’

‘mum’

‘I want telly’

‘I want telly’ ‘MUM’ ‘I want’

I want I want I want,

What a pain in my arse!

To all you snappy sainsburys mums and exhausted bus riders, I apologise, instead of shaking my head with disapproving looks I now give you a reassuring smile and a sympathetic nod to let you know I understand, we can do this mums!

We can do this! Just God bless us if we pass out trying…

Being as old as you feel

         Dont let life pass you by

I’ve been thinking a lot today. Thought process is such a powerful thing and I think we forget how the brain is such an incredible organ. Well. I do definitely. Everything is centred and controlled here and thinking this through made sense to me today.

If you feel negative, no doubt your day will become negative. Positive thinking is so important and I find I struggle to do this at times.

When we are having a negative day we become lethargic, grumpy and not interested In what we should be. Life is passing us by and we automatically feel older by feeling down and tired.

Positive thinking helps the brain to engage youth and happiness!

Enjoy this! Think positive and stay young

girlaccesable, signing off

Little bugger

Good afternoon everyone,

I thought I would just give you a little insight to let you know how my Wednesday morning is going so far.

I have finally had a chance to sit down with a cup of tea after dealing with my little madams whinging, tantrums and attitude this morning. Don’t get me wrong, I Iove this little person to absolute bits but sometimes I do just want to hibernate in bed for the day when she’s in this mood!

Breakfast time was a bit of a disaster, she woke up on a bit of a high this morning here there and everywhere and off her cereal went flying from the table all over the floor and table…Step one, mummy clears up. Then an episode of a tantrum as I got her some juice, which is a treat, and off she screams telling me she wants water…Step two, deep breaths mummy. Walking out the room today has proved to to be very difficult, I go to the kitchen to wash up and all I hear is a scream and a little person coming bounding after me grabbing my leg pulling me back…step three, reassuring mummy. Now for lunchtime, she is sat down calmly for a minute, fingers crossed guys!

Anyone having similar circumstances today? Please give me strength 🙂

girlaccessable, signing off

Crazy day

Expect the Unexpected

Hi everyone!

So today has been quite an odd day for me!

First I got a phone call this morning off an old school friend asking if I wanted to meet for coffee/tea and catch up today. In all honesty it blew me away, we havn’t spoken for a few years and here she was. I said I would love too, I take my little girl to nursery on Tuesdays when I work but have been off this week so I dropped her to nursery and for once went and enjoyed myself. We spent ages chatting over cups of tea, went on a little shopping spree to a make counter and treated ourselves too a few bits aswell as a few special treats in Lush. Bath bombs, face masks you name it we bought it! I can’t tell you how amazing I feel after today! I had to buy my baby a few little treats too otherwise I’d feel way to guilty but I feel a little more revitalised. I forget how much treating yourself every once in a while makes you feel. Tomorrow night when baby girl is in bed I will definitely be doing a few needed treatments. I hope we stay In contact and make the time to do this more often. This has done me the world of good 🙂

Secondly, out of the blue, my little girls dad rung me today and asked if I wanted to take her to the Zoo with him on his week off in two weeks. Now his a brilliant dad and she adores him but he rarely gets to see her due to work and where he lives. We split when she was 6 months old and I have brought her up pretty much alone but I couldn’t fault him, if he could be there more for her he would.

I was so shocked he asked me, we didn’t end on bad terms, I always wanted us to be civil and let her see we both love her and get on for her sake and to do something like this would be so great! I just know the man I’m with now wouldn’t let me. He dosnt even like me talking to him which I can see from his side is hard, I do understand, it’s so hard when your taking on another mans kid and their still around but I have always wanted to be close to her dad so she knows we are both there.

Anyway, I’m feeling happy at the moment and I would love to hear if anything unexpected has happened to you recently? I Look forward to hearing from you!

girlaccessable,signing off

Thankful

Gratitude turns what we have into enough

Today I am feeling extremely thankful. I am so blessed to have what I do. I have struggled recently to find something to hold on too and get me through when really it is staring me straight in the face.

I was up early with my baby girl, sitting with my cup of coffee and just looking at her thinking how truly thankful I am to be here, to have my beautiful girl, to have my loving family, my flat, money to put food in the cupboards and clothe us. I can spoil my baby at times with toys and books. I shouldn’t be so negative when there are people out there going through tougher times. I can’t promise I won’t have my down days and over think, but life is such a precious yet crazy thing. I need to start appreciating what I do have and can do rather than what I don’t have and can’t do.

Life is what we make it. Sometimes I struggle as I can’t always do what I want anymore. I do not always have the patience or the energy. I should be grateful that I have a daughter to sacrifice things for, a daughter to love, cuddle, work my life around. She is my whole world, her smile, her little voice telling me she loves me. What an amazing thing to have at 22. Yes I am a single mum, but I get twice the amount of love when I’m with her right?

Today feels like it could be a good day. I hope your days are feeling positive too! Would be great to hear,

girlaccessable, signing off

Is It Me?

She used to be a pearl

Yesterday I found myself standing in the shower, motionless, lost in thought just letting the water pour over my body. ‘Is it me?’, ‘Am I crazy’, was I the one in the wrong to cause this ‘Again?’

I don’t see myself as a bad person. I have annoying traits I am aware, don’t we all? I can overreact, be a little whacky, I am a people pleaser which dosn’t always go to plan. I try my hardest to keep everyone else happy and forget I matter too which I understand can be a problem, but a horrible person? That’s not me. I’m not a confrontational person, I never have been. I try to see the good in all, trust until proven otherwise, give the benefit of the doubt, accept others and understand we all are different and you should never judge especially when you don’t know someone’s circumstance.

Recently I have been spending a lot of time with someone. In this time I’ve been told I am crazy, not right in the head, lazy, thick. I have been sworn at, patronised and spoken too like I am an alien from another planet. In my eyes I do everything to what I believe is right, I never go out of my way to intentionally hurt anyone or upset another person. I believe life is here to enjoy and now even I’m starting to doubt myself.

I have never been one for an argument. Growing up we were taught if you do not have anything nice to say, don’t say it. In my family we learnt to say our bit deal with it and be done. Me and him? We can’t seem to do that.

This is hard for me to explain, he does a lot for me and my family, and I mean a lot, that no one has ever done for me before! He works everything around me, he knows he his not perfect and he knows he can be mean, I understand everyone makes mistakes. But I’m not happy?

This is what makes me question myself. ‘Am I being ungrateful?’ Something which I never have been. My confidence is disappearing aswell as my trust in others. I am the type of person to have time for anyone In the world, this isn’t right.

I feel like I am walking on egg shells most of the time, waiting for the next thing I have done or ‘not done’ as the case may be. I have never argued with someone so much in my life! I understand what a lot of people must think and I genuinley would tell someone the same thing if I was listening. If I am not happy, why am I with him? I feel as though he does so much for me that maybe I over react and maybe I am going mad. ‘Am I not a nice person anymore?’

He says all he wants is the best for me and that is why I aggravate him so much and why he gets angry and calls me names. I don’t have any problem with people’s opinions and I listen and try my best to explain why I have chose to do something when he thinks I’m wrong, but I am getting fed up of having to explain minute by minute what I’m doing and why. I don’t question his actions 24/7. Surely if I want to do something the way I want, I am entitled too without constant negativity?

 It’s my life too!

Being called dumb, lazy and not right in the head hits me hard. I have struggled with post natal depression after giving birth and I know what it feels like to feel so low you can’t begin to imagine enjoying anything again. I overcame this and hearing this makes me feel like I am crazy. I need positivity around me not a pessimist. I do the best I can to work, look after my daughter as a single mum and make sure I run a happy home. I feel I have done nothing but try my best to make him feel welcome and ensure when his had a hard day we are there waiting with a smile a kiss and dinner. Sometimes, yes, I admit I am knackered after working a late night and then up the next day to look after my baby. Sometimes things do slip like washing clothes for a day or theres still washing up to be done at the end of the day. But not for long. When he says I am lazy for little things I feel it and I put so much pressure on myself I get so stressed and upset. Maybe I should be able to do it all better.

I can understand why some people are negative about things, his quite the opposite to me in the sense he dosn’t trust until people prove themselves which I can understand, but I don’t enjoy being told I’m naive for thinking the way I do. I feel belittled and I am upset by constant digs against things I’ve done or have done previous that I have trusted him to tell for it to be used against me.

At this point I do feel that maybe it is me? ‘Have I really turned into a nasty person?’ I’m starting to believe him when he tells me I’m not right, maybe he is only trying to help me? So many questions. All I can think at the moment is who I am isn’t right, I am not the person I was or the person I hoped to become. I need to change something, but is that me? Or him?

I hope I’m not bringing you all down with me too much, I feel a relief writing this and since starting my page the last few days I have felt wonders already just knowing I can let it out. I’m not always going to be happy, I have taken this as a new vice to help others and share and relate what I feel and go through. I’m on a journey to find happiness as I once had it before. I’m not miserable. I feel lost. Another random soul in the world with no purpose for the mean time perhaps?

                    girlaccessable, signing off

Friendship

You’ve got a friend in me

There are many times I sit and think about my past and think of how different things could be. If I had gone about things in different ways and the thought of ‘what if‘,  

I feel looking back at the moment is something I need to make me stronger. I have felt happy, cared for, special, invincible, crazy and on top of the world as well as hurt, angry, let down, fooled and misplaced. All of these feelings caused by Friendship.

I see myself as a friendly person who would go out of there way to ensure others are ok and when needed i would be there. I never found this reciprocated by many and to be honest never expected it to be until I look back and think friends? What friends?

I am not a negative person but to me I hit a low. The effort and time I put in to make sure everyone else was ok and everything was made easy for them, I was the one stressing and over analysing situations just so they were ok which is what friends, I assumed, would do for one another. 

The realisation came after an amazing turn in my life. I met a boy fell in love very quickly and unexpectedly we had a baby, too early for sure and especially unexpectadly. We split when she was 6 months old and my world fell apart. We couldn’t adapt to this new life together and still young ourselves we decided on a mutual split. I struggled. But this change I can only describe as incredible and a solid life lesson! 

My whole world has become a different place and with that I learnt my friends were not who I thought. I was no longer the girl to go partying every night, the girl who could just drop everything and say I’m in! I feel alone sometimes. I was always the girl surrounded by friends and suddenly I understand why I’m not. I wasn’t a ‘friend’, I was an acquaintance. 

I have a handful of people now who I would class as good friends and I know have looked after me. I am eternally grateful for them and treasure them. I just feel alone in my situation at times. I wish I was that girl with lots of friends around me all the time so I didn’t feel so lonely? As a mum we can’t always do what we want to do especially when working aswell. I am learning maybe I mixed with the wrong people? Sure I still speak to a few from before my daughter was born but not much. I had my priorities and I stick to them.

My baby is my whole world and sometimes yes I can admit I forget what I have and how lucky I am. I possibly could do more, I’m not a terrible mother but I sure have my off days! Sometimes I wish to God I had friends who could help me through this part of life with a girly night once in a while or just another mum to talk to in my position to relate too? 

I was always outgoing and still am just in other ways. I take pride in hearing my baby girl call me mum, the terrible twos have hit and I do struggle I am not ashamed to admit, but I would not change things for the world! She is my everything 🙂 

If you have a similar story or can relate to me I would love to hear from you 🙂 speak soon, 

           girlaccessable, signing off

Growing Up

Growing Up I had a ‘normal‘ childhood so to speak. I don’t tend to use the word ‘normal‘ as I don’t like to think of things as any set way, what is normal? But in this case my family were loving, supportive and crazy! 

I will admit I was not always the easiest child, I craved attention and I liked to be centre stage without a care in the world. My hormones hit in from 11 and god was I a terror! My poor Mum during my teens. (Nightmare!) 

 I have one older sister one younger sister and one younger brother. All very different but treated equal and for that I praise my Mum and Dad.

I was confident, opinionated and blunt back then, my older sister shy and Conserved, my younger sister more private and my brother was quiet, never asked for anything and kept himself to himself. I suppose having three sisters he didn’t have much choice. Poor boy. 

 I remember thinking what a hard life! Getting up so early for school, homework, chores, nagging mother, bedtime, curfews, who my mum and dad preferred or loved the most…I look back and beg for my stresses in life today to be replaced by those! Don’t get me wrong I don’t live an unpriveleged life, in reality I am especially lucky! I feel I have worked hard to get where I am today and no matter what predicament I find myself in my family have my back regardless.

 I am very family orientated and I owe that to my upbringing, I was always taught to be independant but to ensure others were cared for and helped along the way. I was brought up Catholic, Church every Sunday until I was 16. I then had a choice whether or not I wanted to carry on and I chose not to which I regret in a way. I am not a selfish person and would always put others before myself, friends I would treasure and school, yes a chore, a social society to learn and share. Even from young I liked to meet new people, my older sister, however, was unbelievably shy and this I could not understand. I wished she would interact with me and want to explore. She was pushed around a lot which in all honesty I never encountered, but she knew, even though younger, I would be there to fight the hatred away. Many times I found myself in both sisters classrooms finding out who said what to make them cry. I pretended I didn’t like my sisters at school, but when it came to it I was there whether they liked it or not. 

 I enjoyed a lot of my own time. I could sit in my room all day being a ‘loner‘ or I could be the girl cracking jokes causing a storm! The happy go lucky live life for the moment kind. 

 I didn’t grow up in luxury, I grew up comfortably and to be honest I wouldn’t change a thing. There were struggles, I remember my mum and dad talking, worrying over money when I was young. Sometimes I was not able to go out with friends as it wasn’t affordable or wasn’t always able to have an up to date wardrobe but my parents always ensured we had what we needed even if that meant going without themselves!

I enjoyed spending time playing with my sisters and brother, yes at times I would think how annoying they were and didn’t want to be associated with them but we appreciated each other and I realise now more than ever what an impact family has!

 I gained and lost many friends growing up from primary school to secondary school, to college and then on to work. I still talk to a few I left secondary school with but to be honest I have learnt who my real friends are and that’s not many I must admit. It hurts knowing you have done so much for someone and when you need them they don’t shine through. I will cover this part in another blog but I feel I have rambled long enough you poor people! 

 I do wish I could still be that happy go lucky girl without a care in the world and sometimes I suppose I can be but I feel restricted. I don’t want to reveal all now I feel it will all come out in good time and I am enjoying writing my thoughts and recollections! 

 I would love for you to tell me what you think and hear your stories! Please let me know 🙂

            girlaccessable, signing off

A New Beginning

It’s a crazy world. Make sure we make the most of what we have.

 I’ll start by telling you a few things about me. I am not anonymous because I am ashamed of who I am or because I am afraid of what people will think, I feel for now revealing my identity would be wrong for me, but maybe in time. 

 I am, in truth, just another average 22 year old girl and aspire to help others as I have been helped myself. This could be amazing or I could fall flat on my face, but I am here and I am ready.
 

I was always good at English in school, writing fiction stories were my escape and I loved my imagination taking me away to my fantasy and escaping reality just for that moment. It’s time to start a new chapter and start facing reality. I want to share my real life with you whether it be good times, sad, crazy or just down right stupid! 

 This may not be a big deal to others but for me it’s exiting. A step to A New Beginning.

 For now I will leave this Blog as my first and just let you know I am here and I can not wait to start this journey.
 

            girlaccessable, signing off